It's None of My Business Where You do Yours

North Carolina passing a bill that specifies where people can use the restroom based on the gender on their birth certificate is just insane and pointless. I do not give a damn where someone does their pees and poops. And I can't understand why it's such a big deal now.

I understand people's argument that they want to keep their kids safe. I totally agree that we should try to keep kids safe at all costs. But, come on, they are not going to be protected by a law that absolutely no one can enforce any more than a 'Men' or 'Women' sign is going to keep out predators.

Just wait until we hear a story about some poor woman in a bad mood and even worse hair day getting called out for maybe being a dude in a skirt. Hope she sues the pants off someone. (pun intended)

Here's the deal. If you live in or have visited a major city in the US, it is very likely that you already have shared a bathroom with a transgendered person. It's done. Get over it.

These people just want to get in there, do their business, and get out. Preferably without having to go through the embarrassment of having you look twice at them and be disgusted. Everyone poops. There is a book about it. Read it. Even those who some lawmakers deem 'unsavory' or 'deranged' have to poop. Preferably in a room where they feel most suited.

My main issue with this ridiculous law is that the people who support it think of transgendered people as 'delusional or perverted men in dresses'. Granted, there are some who are just beginning to transition, some who are not very far into the process who...look a little 'off'. Fine. But they really need to look at the people who have fully made the change as well. Men who have full beards, large muscles, and lots of tattoos....and the female box checked on their birth certificate. Women who are more beautiful than I can ever hope to be, slender frames, amazing breasts, soft voices.....and they used to have a penis.

I'm almost positive I can tell the difference between a pervert in a dress who just wants to peek in on the girls and a woman who needs to pee. And, if I can't tell the difference, there has yet to be a case in the US where a guy has dressed as a women just so he can spy on the women in the bathroom.

You know who does spy on women in the bathroom? Regular guys. They set up cameras, they crawl through the ceilings, they make holes in the walls, etc.

And, the bathroom with the most perverts is the men's room. And, no, not because women are dying to figure out what you guys do in there. (We know. Dear god we know.) Child molesters are statistically white males. They are now, and always have been, allowed in the men's room where your son is innocently using his penis as a fire hose.

Your sons are the ones sharing a bathroom with a Catholic priest who may or may not have been moved to your parish due to 'misconduct'.

Your son that is now in the stall next to some congressman who is trying desperately to tap out sex code with his foot.

Your son who is having a man's cell phone camera pointed at them from their belt loop.

Do not begin to tell me that this law is about protecting your daughters from men in dresses when you won't begin to protect your sons from men in jeans.

Do not begin to tell me that a law you can't enforce is going to be the thing that stops your daughters from being preyed upon. Criminals don't give a shit about your laws on paper. That's why they are criminals.

When will these bigoted people just come out and say they are just weirded out by transgendered people? Stop hiding behind superficial laws, tired old religious nonsense, and general fear. Just tell us that you're intolerant and refuse to understand. I'll have more respect for someone who is just honest.

Until then, get over yourself and stop worrying so much about where people go pee. Perv.

I Blew It

Last week I went to Louisiana to see family. My father is notorious for throwing large parties whenever his 'girls' come home. I have two sisters and we all live in different states. It's rare for him to have all of us together at once. This trip had all of us including my sisters kids.

I love my nephews to the moon and back. I can't help but want to spoil them and make sure they are safe and loved. I even bought a toy car for one of my nephews last night because I knew it was one character he didn't have. (He loves a certain animated movie about cars) It may cost more to send it to him than that actual thing is worth but I don't care. I know he will like it and I'm happy to do it for him.

However, I don't want my own kids. I've written and spoken about this topic many times before. I've vehemently expressed my desire to remain childless for years. My entire family knows that I would rather die by a million papercuts than have a child. I even wrote a blog post about what I would say the next time I was asked when I was going to have kids.

"I'm not going to answer that and I'll forgive you for asking."

But, y'all, I blew it.

At my father's crawfish boil last weekend I was approached by my father's best friend. I've known this man my entire life. He is like an uncle to me. He was the one who gave me my childhood nickname of  'Milk Baby'. (On account of I'm so pale)

He asked me when I was going to have kids........My eye twitched. I gritted my teeth for the argument. I knew my lines.....and.....

And I just couldn't do it. I could not bring myself to tell him how rude he was being. The man that I can easily chastise for drinking too much, being too loud, or accuse (lovingly) of being a general nuisance.........  I couldn't stand up to him for asking such a rude and hot button question.

This is why I should call myself the Bad Feminist instead of Southern Atheist. I'm terrible when it comes to actually practicing what I preach.

It was later mentioned to me that what I was actually doing was keeping the peace at the party. And, I guess that's true. I love this man. I know he loves me. I just couldn't jump down his throat for what he thought was an honest question.

And, maybe that makes me a bad feminist. But, when it comes down to making a point for women's rights or keeping the relationship with someone I adore intact, I'm going to go with keeping that relationship.

I'll save my venom for someone who deserves it.

Of Course God Isn't Dead

He had to have been alive in the first place for him to be dead now.

In college I had a friend whose father was a producer for the movie God's Not Dead. My friend was even in the film. Speaking part and all. It was pretty neat, actually. To have a friend who was in a movie.

The friend was obviously a Christian and I was obviously an atheist but we're good friends anyway. Mostly because neither of us are jerks and we are able to be friendly without having to accept each other's belief system. Surprising, I know.

When God's Not Dead came out, I went and saw it. This isn't a review of that movie. I don't need to review it. If anyone with half a brain saw it they knew right away how fictitious and ridiculous it was.

But, now they've made a sequel.

The sequel's premise is even more outlandish than the first one. A teacher (played by Melissa Joan Heart-- say it isn't so, Clarissa!) is brought to trial because she dared express her Christian faith in a classroom in Arkansas.

A teacher. In Arkansas. Who is religious. Being sued for expressing her religion. In Arkansas.

You've got to be fucking kidding me.

This truly is the work of some Christian nightmare. Complete fantasy. And, the only way they can make other Christians feel persecuted as well is by making up this story.  I guarantee you there is a black screen at the end of the movie saying "This has been happening all over our Christian Nation. Don't let the liberals/democrats/atheists/ACLU win." or some other garbage.

In the 7th grade in Brandon, Florida I had a history teacher at Mann Middle School that would tell us daily about his love of god. He would tell us to read our bible. He insisted that he was a good Christian because he never let anything be on top of his bible. He brought that damn bible to his classroom and had it on his desk in plain sight all year long.

Don't give me that whiny bullshit about how Christians are persecuted in the classroom in the fucking bible belt.

You are not being persecuted when the rest of the community finally has the same rights as you do, you whiny, selfish, sniveling, liar Christian community. Grow up. Keep it in your homes and churches where it belongs.

Leave school alone to do its job. Teach your nonsense in your churches.

Columbine is this city but it doesn't define it

I've lived in Denver for four years now. I frequently come up against clashes in culture between what I know and what the locals know. For example, the local weather report recently said that the day was starting out 'warm' at 29 degrees. My poor Floridian heart broke. It's been a long time since I wore flip-flops. I still think of socks as feet prisons.

But, with the release of Sue Klebold's new memoir about her son and his involvement with the Columbine High School shooting, I keep thinking about what I knew about that tragedy is far different than what the locals knew about it.

I've used my high school experience as a testament to how I was shaped by tragedy and the necessity for understanding different cultures, mental illness, and empathy for my fellow humans. My high school career started with the Columbine shooting during my freshman year and the horrific day of September 11th happening in my senior year. I always thought that because of these tragedies punctuating such an important time in my life that I should be more knowledgeable and sensitive to them.

Then, I moved to Colorado.

The city's knowledge of the events that April morning in 1999 are very much different than what I remember happening in a classroom just outside of Tampa, Florida. I remember being scared and confused about what was happening. I remember thinking that bad men must have attacked the school. I remember thinking that something like that would never happen at my school. No one at my school felt that angry. Obviously. (I was pretty naive)

We watched the news coverage in my social studies class. We went home to our parents and asked questions they didn't know how to answer. But, after a few weeks...it mostly faded. As a student involved with extracurricular activities, life just had to move on. This tragedy was sad...but VERY far away.

This city lived it. This was their backyard- their schoolhouse. Someplace that was supposed to be safe. They watched their children, their friends, their brothers, sisters, grandchildren, coworkers kids, etc, scramble for their lives through an army of SWAT teams and police tape. They learned the horror of having teenagers be the responsible parties. They questioned their neighbors ability to raise children. After all, these boy's parents weren't paying attention, how do you know who else is? There was more than a sense of shock, I'm sure. There was a sense of shock, awe, betrayal, disbelief, and a deep deep sorrow. Their city will never be the same.

After I moved to Denver, I started meeting more and more people who had been touched by the tragedy. A coworker who had a cousin at the school during the shooting, a boyfriend who once attended the school, a friend who lost a friend, an acquaintance who knew the shooters.

To them, this wasn't just a media sensation. This WAS their life. This was their community. This was something they all went through together. It's something they still work through, as a city. It's a tarnished spot on their history that they wear. Not with sorrow, but, not with pride. They wear it as a reminder. A reminder of what could happen. What could happen when we don't listen. What could happen when we stop caring about each other.

Is this city warm fuzzies and rainbows? Of course not. But, I can tell you that this city is a tight knit one. They won the Super Bowl and a million people showed up to celebrate. No real issues (save for a traffic nightmare). This city is relaxed, they are friendly...they don't particularly care for all the new people who have moved here after the legalization of marijuana but, they are willing to tolerate you.

The thing is, from what I've seen with news reports and stories, they do not tolerate bullying. When something happens at a school they take no chances. Lock-downs happen. Sensitivity training happens. All inclusiveness happens. Respect Life is a frequent motto that I see around the city. It's on license plates, billboards, and painted on the side of walls.

I can imagine that many locals would rather Columbine NOT be the first image that outsiders think about when they think of Denver. But, it's there. When the theater shooting happened in Aurora a year after I moved here, I got phone calls from my mom and sisters at 5am asking if I was OK. They immediately thought of Columbine. They told me that the city was dangerous. I'll admit to being nervous for a while.

Personally, I now think of Denver as a beautiful, mountain flanked, friendly city with so much to offer. I think of it as my home now. (Guess I'll have to get more used to socks)

This is going to sound awful, but, I wish more cities had something like this that would rock them to their core. I don't want cities to have tragedies. I just wish that more had a unifying experience- something larger than a Super Bowl win. Something that would bring them together to work as one.

Unfortunately, I see tragedies that bring a city or country together.....to hate another group (Thinking of  9/11). Or, they wallow in their suffering and never quite move past it (Looking at you, NOLA- Katrina was awful but we need to move on now).

Colorado has taken the tragedy and learned from it. That is truly inspiring. I hope to one day be able to call myself  Coloradoan and be worthy of the title. Until then.....freaking socks.....

Easy There, Feminist Warrior

Something got my back up yesterday afternoon. And now I'm wondering if I reacted too hard. 

I do a weekly podcast with a dear friend of mine. I adore this guy. He really is a good person. Very intelligent and caring. 

Sometimes I feel like I have to remind him that I'm not an idiot. 

He went through something traumatic, yes. He was involved with Scientology. It's a HUGE subject for him. It's his livelihood now. It's how he is getting his name and expertise out there. 

I get that. I totally understand. 

But, when I'm around him and the topic goes to Scientology.....I blank out. I don't contribute to the conversation anymore. How can I? I didn't go through it. I used to know nothing about it. Now I feel like I know more than the average person, thanks to him. Which I'm thankful for. Honestly. I really, really am happy to know more about it and him. 

I'm so over the conversation though. I just wait until the subject is something else so I can once again be a part of it. 

And, that's also my fault. I need to be more engaged so I can bring up other topics to which I can contribute. 

But, here is where I got 'upidy', as my mother would put it. We're hosting a guest this week on our podcast. I'm excited about it. The guy is a cult extraction expert. That's freaking cool! My friend sent me an e-mail with an outline for the show. Sweet! (he's never done that before- he typically has one made when I get there and I only barely see it) 

He then asks me to regulate him so he doesn't get too caught up in the conversation with the guest and I can make sure the verbiage stays plain. "Since you are not as familiar with this material as I am and can help rein me in if I get too interested in something (guest) is talking about and we lose track." 

Not familiar? Dude, I've been studying cults for years. I took classes on them in college. Hell, I was technically in one, too. My former religion may not be considered a 'cult' to many because it's been the accepted religion for 2,000 years but that doesn't mean it's not a cult. 

We had different experiences, yes. Your's was WAY more controlling and scary, yes. But, that doesn't make my experiences less important. 

Perhaps this is my fault. I let this guy talk about his experiences every time we are around one another. I know more about his life than I think he knows about mine. But, I think he needed that. I've been out of my cult for several years now and I've got a good support system. He only left Scientology a couple of years ago and is still building healthy relationships with people outside. I was happy to be a friend for him. Still am. 

But this constant idea of his that I don't know what he's talking about is getting really frustrating. 

Is this just the leftovers from my experiences reminding me to be a good girl and just listen? Get over it, girl. He doesn't know my knowledge because I haven't been broadcasting it. 

That ends today. I've studied for this podcast and this guest. I've got notes. I'm putting on my big girl glasses and dropping some knowledge on this bitch. 

And, then I'll go explain to my friend why I got upset. Because being able to talk like adults is what stops all the damn drama. 

"I'm not going to answer that and I'll forgive you for asking"

This is the best response I have ever heard when someone is asked, "When are you going to have a baby?"

This past weekend I was at the Secular Hub and got into a conversation with two other women about the decisions we have made about whether or not to have children. The other women both had decided to have children, one right away and another several years after she was married. The woman who waited spoke about how often she was asked about having children. Her husband, she said, was asked maybe once or twice about it but she was asked frequently. She developed the response of "I'm not going to answer that and I'll forgive you for asking."

It's beautiful. Not only does it firmly state that my reproductive decisions are none of your business, it points out that it's rude to ask and I shouldn't have to apologize for your rudeness.

I decided somewhere around middle school that I didn't want children. They were loud, sticky, time consuming, and expensive in my eyes. And, now that I'm in my 30's, that sentiment hasn't changed. Even though so many people have told me that it would change, it hasn't.

Hell, my boss told me I would change my mind in a few years when I first started working for her. (About 3 years and 6 months ago....no change)

I'm not financially stable enough for children. I'm not married. And, damn it, I don't want to.

Even if I WERE financially stable and married...why on EARTH would I want to have a kid? Add stress to my life? Potentially have a child with special needs that I'm not prepared for? Never travel again? Never again have a moments peace?

Just so I can have a little carbon copy of me? No thanks.

I even went to a gynecologist a few years ago and asked for permanent birth control. A procedure that would make it impossible for me to ever have kids. They told me to wait a few years before I made any 'rash decisions'. What if I got married and my husband wanted kids?

Then I fucking wouldn't have married him, you twat! I still want the damn procedure.

Okay, I get it. Children bring joy and happiness to their parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. I have two nephews and I adore those kids. For the people who have always wanted kids, they are blessings and something that they can't imagine their life without. I totally get that.

It's not for me. And, I always thought that was a responsible decision on my part. I don't want them. I can't afford them. Isn't it better that I don't reproduce? One less kid that has a hard time in life?

One of my sisters had a REALLY hard time becoming pregnant. It took years, money, time, and stress on their lives before they were able to have my nephew. He's perfect. But it took a lot for him to get here. My sister would LOVE to have more. Her and her husband are wonderful parents and would be able to provide for more.

Do I feel bad that, if I were to try, I would be able to have a child easily? Yes. I would give her all my healthy lady bits so she could have more. Does she think badly toward me for choosing not to have children? Of course not. My sister understands that having kids is not for everyone. Many moms that I have spoken with have said that it's not something that someone should do halfheartedly.

So, why do so many women get the third degree when it comes to popping one out? Perhaps it's because for eons our species has hinged upon multiplying to carry on our genes? Maybe it's because so many people are religious and, at least in the bible, it says that we are to go forth and multiply? We all want to be Norman Rockwell paintings with the house, yard, dog, 2.5 kids, and a happy marriage?

Screw that. I like my apartment. I like that I can sleep in on the weekends. I like that I can decide to take an overnight trip last minute without having to worry about a dog; much less a kid. It's 2016. I don't have to be married to be happy. I don't have to have a house to be stable. I don't have to have offspring to have a fulfilling life.

And when did this subject become a regular thing to ask people? Why is reproducing a public conversation? Perhaps because society used to be WAY more reliant on one another. Our species has never grown out of this. I'm assuming this is also why abortion and birth control are so public. It just can't be something private because others refuse to butt the hell out.

So, when you ask me when I'm going to have children and I respond with "I'm not going to answer that and I'll forgive you for asking" please don't think I'm being a bitch. It's really none of your business. And, if I do explain that I don't want them, please don't assume you know better than me about my choices.  I've thought about this. Believe me. I've HAD to think about this.

Why I Deface Money

Ok, here's the deal. I deface money. I WISH I was creative enough to draw neat faces and turn Lincoln into a Hipster Lincoln....but, I'm not that cool.

No. I deface our currency by marking out 'In God We Trust' on paper money. Believe me, if I could take it off coins easily, I would.

Blogger Hemant Mehta, of the Friendly Atheist, posted a blog post this afternoon on his Facebook page. He has been referencing articles from the past few years. One from 3 years ago was about a person who blacked out our ill-gotten motto then used said currency at a local bakery store in Louisiana. The bakery then gave the defaced currency as change to another customer. The customer who received the 'corrected' currency had a shit-fit online and tried to make others join them in never return to the bakery. This made the bakery have to issue a statement that they had nothing to do with the defacing.

If that made no sense to you here is the story from The Friendly Atheist:

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2012/12/07/when-godless-money-hurts-a-business/

Anywho, I made a comment on the Facebook page saying that I am originally from Louisiana and I've blacked out 'In God We Trust' on currency for years and this may have accidentally been my doing.  (I'm almost positive that it wasn't me as I refuse to schlep all the way to Shreveport- bleh)  I commented because I wanted to make a small point that taking the quote off the currency should in no way hurt anyone, it's not illegal, and I feel I'm fixing a wrong by doing so.

Some of the comments on the thread are arguing that blackening out the words is 'childish' of us (atheists).  One commenter even called me as much and told me to 'grow some cajones and actually do something about it instead of  just breaking out my crayons'.  I was even told that, by doing this, I'm 'cowardly'.

Really? Cowardly?

Would they rather me get into a banker's face about it? Yell at the cashier at the grocery line for handing me 'religious money'? The hell?

Wanna know what I really do about it? I vote. I petition my congress people about it. I sign petitions. I get off my ass and try to get this motto changed.

I also take a big black Sharpie and cross off the damn words off currency. I don't need to grow balls. I've got brains, asshat.