Were you acting like a Christian?

This week marks the 11 year anniversary of when I was raped. Every year for the past 7 or so I have tried to do something positive that keeps me from dwelling on the past. It usually works. But, for whatever reason, this year it's not working.

What's been going through my mind this year is all the shitty things that were said to me following the rape:

"Did he say he was sorry? I'd forgive him if he apologized."- Jack, my dear friend to whom my church tried to marry me off. Not after the rape though, mind you. Now I was tainted and was no longer a good match for Jack.

"If you'd just forgive him and let it go you wouldn't be so angry."- My sister. In her defense I think she was trying to make me feel better. She's a  hardcore Christian who believes that forgiveness leads to peace. Sure, I believe in forgiveness. But...fuck that guy.

"The pamphlet I read about this says you should be over this by now."- My mother. It had been two weeks. I love my mother. This was not a great thing to say to someone. She was trying to make sense of what all was happening. And, I can't be mad at my mother. We had a rough couple of months after the fact but she has been nothing but supportive of most everything in my life. So, she sent me to a Christian 'therapist' who also told me to get over it. Go figure.

"Were you acting like a Christian?"- A church member. This one hurt a lot. It hurt because, at the time, I was shaming myself for my actions. Many rape survivors do this. We somehow feel like it was our faults; like we were asking for it. This statement from someone who I trusted for most of my life shattered me. It truly was my fault. Especially in the eyes of God. I had done something wrong and I should now beg for forgiveness.

And I did pray for forgiveness. I prayed a lot. And every time I did I felt more and more ashamed.  I was supposed to be a good, southern, Christian girl and now I was marked.  What respectable person would want to be with me now? I still struggle with this feeling. I'm positive my current boyfriend loves me but, who wants to move further with someone with a messed up past?

I wonder if the people around me would have acted the same way if the guy who raped me had been black?If I didn't know who he was? If I hadn't invited him over to hang out in the first place? What did I expect would happen, right?

This guy was a tall, blond, blue-eyed white man. He was a charmer in the community. Girls who complained about him should have been excited that such a likable guy was 'flirting' with them. How lucky of me that he showed me any attention.  After all, he was only trying to show me what it was like to be with a real guy. (Up until that point I had only dated outside of my race. He wanted to show me what I was missing.)

I eventually got real help. I went to see a rape counselor. She worked with me for months. And when I pressed charges and went through the prosecution process she told me what it would be like; what the steps were going to be. I have been able to talk about my experiences with others openly. I don't hide my rape. I've helped friends through the process and have spoken in small conferences about it. I've come a long way.

But, I think that the best healing for me has been every accomplishment I've made in my life since. I went back to school and earned my bachelors degree. I moved to a different part of the country on my own and have made it work. I'm the head of a great organization. I've surrounded myself with amazing friends. I love who I am. But, like any stupid fucking emotional trauma, I still have my doubts about why this happened.

And for that I blame the fucked up religion in which I was brainwashed. No matter how much I try to rinse of the bubbles of superstition with the cool water of reason there is always some oily residue.