Something got my back up yesterday afternoon. And now I'm wondering if I reacted too hard.
I do a weekly podcast with a dear friend of mine. I adore this guy. He really is a good person. Very intelligent and caring.
Sometimes I feel like I have to remind him that I'm not an idiot.
He went through something traumatic, yes. He was involved with Scientology. It's a HUGE subject for him. It's his livelihood now. It's how he is getting his name and expertise out there.
I get that. I totally understand.
But, when I'm around him and the topic goes to Scientology.....I blank out. I don't contribute to the conversation anymore. How can I? I didn't go through it. I used to know nothing about it. Now I feel like I know more than the average person, thanks to him. Which I'm thankful for. Honestly. I really, really am happy to know more about it and him.
I'm so over the conversation though. I just wait until the subject is something else so I can once again be a part of it.
And, that's also my fault. I need to be more engaged so I can bring up other topics to which I can contribute.
But, here is where I got 'upidy', as my mother would put it. We're hosting a guest this week on our podcast. I'm excited about it. The guy is a cult extraction expert. That's freaking cool! My friend sent me an e-mail with an outline for the show. Sweet! (he's never done that before- he typically has one made when I get there and I only barely see it)
He then asks me to regulate him so he doesn't get too caught up in the conversation with the guest and I can make sure the verbiage stays plain. "Since you are not as familiar with this material as I am and can help rein me in if I get too interested in something (guest) is talking about and we lose track."
Not familiar? Dude, I've been studying cults for years. I took classes on them in college. Hell, I was technically in one, too. My former religion may not be considered a 'cult' to many because it's been the accepted religion for 2,000 years but that doesn't mean it's not a cult.
We had different experiences, yes. Your's was WAY more controlling and scary, yes. But, that doesn't make my experiences less important.
Perhaps this is my fault. I let this guy talk about his experiences every time we are around one another. I know more about his life than I think he knows about mine. But, I think he needed that. I've been out of my cult for several years now and I've got a good support system. He only left Scientology a couple of years ago and is still building healthy relationships with people outside. I was happy to be a friend for him. Still am.
But this constant idea of his that I don't know what he's talking about is getting really frustrating.
Is this just the leftovers from my experiences reminding me to be a good girl and just listen? Get over it, girl. He doesn't know my knowledge because I haven't been broadcasting it.
That ends today. I've studied for this podcast and this guest. I've got notes. I'm putting on my big girl glasses and dropping some knowledge on this bitch.
And, then I'll go explain to my friend why I got upset. Because being able to talk like adults is what stops all the damn drama.
Thursday, January 7, 2016
Tuesday, January 5, 2016
"I'm not going to answer that and I'll forgive you for asking"
This is the best response I have ever heard when someone is asked, "When are you going to have a baby?"
This past weekend I was at the Secular Hub and got into a conversation with two other women about the decisions we have made about whether or not to have children. The other women both had decided to have children, one right away and another several years after she was married. The woman who waited spoke about how often she was asked about having children. Her husband, she said, was asked maybe once or twice about it but she was asked frequently. She developed the response of "I'm not going to answer that and I'll forgive you for asking."
It's beautiful. Not only does it firmly state that my reproductive decisions are none of your business, it points out that it's rude to ask and I shouldn't have to apologize for your rudeness.
I decided somewhere around middle school that I didn't want children. They were loud, sticky, time consuming, and expensive in my eyes. And, now that I'm in my 30's, that sentiment hasn't changed. Even though so many people have told me that it would change, it hasn't.
Hell, my boss told me I would change my mind in a few years when I first started working for her. (About 3 years and 6 months ago....no change)
I'm not financially stable enough for children. I'm not married. And, damn it, I don't want to.
Even if I WERE financially stable and married...why on EARTH would I want to have a kid? Add stress to my life? Potentially have a child with special needs that I'm not prepared for? Never travel again? Never again have a moments peace?
Just so I can have a little carbon copy of me? No thanks.
I even went to a gynecologist a few years ago and asked for permanent birth control. A procedure that would make it impossible for me to ever have kids. They told me to wait a few years before I made any 'rash decisions'. What if I got married and my husband wanted kids?
Then I fucking wouldn't have married him, you twat! I still want the damn procedure.
Okay, I get it. Children bring joy and happiness to their parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. I have two nephews and I adore those kids. For the people who have always wanted kids, they are blessings and something that they can't imagine their life without. I totally get that.
It's not for me. And, I always thought that was a responsible decision on my part. I don't want them. I can't afford them. Isn't it better that I don't reproduce? One less kid that has a hard time in life?
One of my sisters had a REALLY hard time becoming pregnant. It took years, money, time, and stress on their lives before they were able to have my nephew. He's perfect. But it took a lot for him to get here. My sister would LOVE to have more. Her and her husband are wonderful parents and would be able to provide for more.
Do I feel bad that, if I were to try, I would be able to have a child easily? Yes. I would give her all my healthy lady bits so she could have more. Does she think badly toward me for choosing not to have children? Of course not. My sister understands that having kids is not for everyone. Many moms that I have spoken with have said that it's not something that someone should do halfheartedly.
So, why do so many women get the third degree when it comes to popping one out? Perhaps it's because for eons our species has hinged upon multiplying to carry on our genes? Maybe it's because so many people are religious and, at least in the bible, it says that we are to go forth and multiply? We all want to be Norman Rockwell paintings with the house, yard, dog, 2.5 kids, and a happy marriage?
Screw that. I like my apartment. I like that I can sleep in on the weekends. I like that I can decide to take an overnight trip last minute without having to worry about a dog; much less a kid. It's 2016. I don't have to be married to be happy. I don't have to have a house to be stable. I don't have to have offspring to have a fulfilling life.
And when did this subject become a regular thing to ask people? Why is reproducing a public conversation? Perhaps because society used to be WAY more reliant on one another. Our species has never grown out of this. I'm assuming this is also why abortion and birth control are so public. It just can't be something private because others refuse to butt the hell out.
So, when you ask me when I'm going to have children and I respond with "I'm not going to answer that and I'll forgive you for asking" please don't think I'm being a bitch. It's really none of your business. And, if I do explain that I don't want them, please don't assume you know better than me about my choices. I've thought about this. Believe me. I've HAD to think about this.
This past weekend I was at the Secular Hub and got into a conversation with two other women about the decisions we have made about whether or not to have children. The other women both had decided to have children, one right away and another several years after she was married. The woman who waited spoke about how often she was asked about having children. Her husband, she said, was asked maybe once or twice about it but she was asked frequently. She developed the response of "I'm not going to answer that and I'll forgive you for asking."
It's beautiful. Not only does it firmly state that my reproductive decisions are none of your business, it points out that it's rude to ask and I shouldn't have to apologize for your rudeness.
I decided somewhere around middle school that I didn't want children. They were loud, sticky, time consuming, and expensive in my eyes. And, now that I'm in my 30's, that sentiment hasn't changed. Even though so many people have told me that it would change, it hasn't.
Hell, my boss told me I would change my mind in a few years when I first started working for her. (About 3 years and 6 months ago....no change)
I'm not financially stable enough for children. I'm not married. And, damn it, I don't want to.
Even if I WERE financially stable and married...why on EARTH would I want to have a kid? Add stress to my life? Potentially have a child with special needs that I'm not prepared for? Never travel again? Never again have a moments peace?
Just so I can have a little carbon copy of me? No thanks.
I even went to a gynecologist a few years ago and asked for permanent birth control. A procedure that would make it impossible for me to ever have kids. They told me to wait a few years before I made any 'rash decisions'. What if I got married and my husband wanted kids?
Then I fucking wouldn't have married him, you twat! I still want the damn procedure.
Okay, I get it. Children bring joy and happiness to their parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. I have two nephews and I adore those kids. For the people who have always wanted kids, they are blessings and something that they can't imagine their life without. I totally get that.
It's not for me. And, I always thought that was a responsible decision on my part. I don't want them. I can't afford them. Isn't it better that I don't reproduce? One less kid that has a hard time in life?
One of my sisters had a REALLY hard time becoming pregnant. It took years, money, time, and stress on their lives before they were able to have my nephew. He's perfect. But it took a lot for him to get here. My sister would LOVE to have more. Her and her husband are wonderful parents and would be able to provide for more.
Do I feel bad that, if I were to try, I would be able to have a child easily? Yes. I would give her all my healthy lady bits so she could have more. Does she think badly toward me for choosing not to have children? Of course not. My sister understands that having kids is not for everyone. Many moms that I have spoken with have said that it's not something that someone should do halfheartedly.
So, why do so many women get the third degree when it comes to popping one out? Perhaps it's because for eons our species has hinged upon multiplying to carry on our genes? Maybe it's because so many people are religious and, at least in the bible, it says that we are to go forth and multiply? We all want to be Norman Rockwell paintings with the house, yard, dog, 2.5 kids, and a happy marriage?
Screw that. I like my apartment. I like that I can sleep in on the weekends. I like that I can decide to take an overnight trip last minute without having to worry about a dog; much less a kid. It's 2016. I don't have to be married to be happy. I don't have to have a house to be stable. I don't have to have offspring to have a fulfilling life.
And when did this subject become a regular thing to ask people? Why is reproducing a public conversation? Perhaps because society used to be WAY more reliant on one another. Our species has never grown out of this. I'm assuming this is also why abortion and birth control are so public. It just can't be something private because others refuse to butt the hell out.
So, when you ask me when I'm going to have children and I respond with "I'm not going to answer that and I'll forgive you for asking" please don't think I'm being a bitch. It's really none of your business. And, if I do explain that I don't want them, please don't assume you know better than me about my choices. I've thought about this. Believe me. I've HAD to think about this.
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