Do Atheists Grieve?

Over the weekend the Denver secular community lost an ally, a friend, a good man. He was an astonishing man who cared about his wife, his dog, and his friends. I met him too late and only got a small portion of his good nature, humor, and ingenuity. He will be missed.

I got the news of his passing while leaving work Monday afternoon. I happened to look at my email before shutting down my office computer for the night. I had to sit in my office chair and sob for a few minutes before I was able to compose myself and keep it together to walk out and drive myself home. My coworkers did not notice a thing. Which is what I wanted. No one likes to cry at work.

The next day I was speaking with a coworker who has become a close friend. She is a Christian. We have a good friendship in and outside of work. We have a different opinion about religion and that's all. We have always been able to speak about religion without it turning into an argument. Not being familiar with much about religion other than her own, she uses me as a way to understand other religions as well as secularism.

When I told her about losing my secular friend she asked me, "Do atheists hold memorial services? Do they grieve like everyone else?"

My initial response was, "Yes, of course!"

But, now I wonder. Do we really grieve like everyone else? Sure, we become sad. We cry. We celebrate their life. We get mad about the stupid situation of death. But, we don't justify it the way others do.

Many times growing up, I remember being told that people die for God's reasons. He needed another angel, he had a different plan that we did, it was their time to go to heaven....whatever. I heard them all. Christians are able to comfort themselves with all these ideas of their loved one being in a better place. They believe that they will be able to see them again in heaven.

I don't get that luxury anymore. There is no way for me to be able to tell someone after they die how I really feel about them. I won't ever get to see them again.

Since I became an atheist, I feel like my connections with people are more real. I feel more inclined to make genuine friendships. My relationship with my SO is very strong. I feel like I don't have time to make false friendships. I don't have room to spare for feelings of hatred. The connections I have with family and friends must be real.

This short life is all I have. I don't get another chance and I don't get a reward in the afterlife. My reward is what I make of it here and now. I have a great group of friends and we go on adventures together. I have few best friends with whom I can share anything. I have older friends from whom I can gain advice. I have younger friends I can pass guidance on to. I have a wonderful SO with whom I can be challenged by, be encouraged to grow, and be silly in love.

So, yes. We grieve. We feel loss. We feel anger. We rejoice in the brief, but wonderful, time we had with someone. We never forget. But we don't take comfort in fairy tales. We take comfort in each other.

We have to. Now is all we got.