I Became A Feminist; My Sister Became A Doormat

Buckle in. I'm pissed off and it's a long one.

I say this with the largest amount of love I can muster....my sister is a doormat to her husband and his church. I have no idea how it happened to her. I feel sorry for her. I feel sorry for her son she had with this man.

I would not be friends with my sister if I had met her off the street.

This wasn't always the case. She and I are what people would 'nicely' call Irish Twins. We're about 14 months apart. (poor mom) And, because the Louisiana education system tests kids on their personality as well as their education, my sister, 'Jane', and I ended up in the same grade. We've been in the same grade since kindergarten. The schools did their best at keeping us separate but, we usually had the same homeroom class, friends, and teachers.

Outside of school we were inseparable. 'Jane' was my partner in crime, my best friend, my confidant. When she got picked on in school, I stood up for her. When I was struggling with 'girl problems' she was there to guide me through. We supported each other through our parent's divorce, arguments with our other sister, 'Carol', our mom dating and eventually remarrying, homework, boyfriends, breakups, and injuries. We fought like children and loved like sisters.

'Jane' was always the more level-headed, calm, disciplined, and mature one of the two of us. I looked to her for guidance. I respected her as a strong woman.

'Jane' never really like my boyfriends just like I never really cared for hers. She dated and married one guy really quickly. Almost forcefully so. Surprisingly, it didn't last. (HEAVY sarcasm)  They divorced a year or two later. The entire family was relieved. We did not think this dude was up to her standards. She was devastated.

But, in true 'Jane' fashion, my sister pulled herself up, got herself together, and moved on. She was thriving! She was everything I wanted to be. She was amazing and I looked up to her as a role model.

Until she decided that she needed to be married and have a family.

Let me be clear: my sister wanting to be married, own a home, have children, and drive a minivan is not why I no longer respect her. My other sister, 'Carol', has all of that too and I adore her. My best friend has all of that and I think she hung the moon. The difference is 'Jane' has those things because she thinks it's what makes her a 'proper woman' and those things equal a 'proper life'. And, she lets her idiot husband walk all over her because of it.

'Jane' found this douche-waffle on one of those paid-for online dating websites. Fine, whatever. She had a wish list of what she was looking for in a man and this guy didn't match up but, she somehow still connected with him and went on a date. (I blame the website) She went on one date with this guy and immediately stopped talking or attempting to meet anyone else on the site.

She married him not too long later and had a son (whom I adore!). She also married his psychotic family and his even more dysfunctional ex-wife.

Do I think it's fair to judge someone solely on their baggage? No, of course not. I'm judging this man on how he treats my sister like a slave, takes advantage of her good credit score (which he's ruined), uses her as a babysitter for his kid from his first marriage, he's a complete lazy ass who quit his job when 'Jane' had just given birth so they lost their insurance, how he treats my parents, how he makes me feel uncomfortable when he's around me, AND his psycho baggage.

I've expressed all this to 'Jane' who laughed me off by saying I was jealous of her life, how I don't see how he is at home, and I've never been married so I 'don't get it'. Fine, she doesn't want outside help? Deal. I left it alone. She lives several states from me so I don't have to see or talk with her or her idiot husband often.

But, damnit, I hate that.

I hate that I no longer have my sister. My other sister, 'Carol', married a great man. Goofy as hell but he treats her well, takes care of his son, and provides well for them. 'Carol' is also still my sister. She made her own career before she got married and still has it. She makes a very good living on her own. The two are a true partnership in their home, in raising their son, and in the world. But, they both are still exactly who they were before they got married.

'Jane' changed as soon as she met that fucktard. It's like she's incapable of making well, thought out decisions. She jumped wholeheartedly into his life and religion that she lost herself. I no longer see her as a strong, independent, intelligent woman who makes good choices. I see her as a woman who is stuck in a marriage that is drowning her and she refuses to let go of the dead weight that is killing her.

Today was the final straw for me. She posted an articled titled 'Stop Being A Butthole Wife'. This article, written by a former stay-at-home wife and 'good Christian woman', explains how a wife shouldn't nag her husband about picking up after himself or pick at the little things he does that she deems 'wrong' and 'careless'. She felt that women should let things like this go because our husbands might die then you will miss having to do little things for him.

Dumbass 'butthole' article:

http://herviewfromhome.com/stop-being-a-butthole-wife/

Here's what pissed me off the most: Anyone can die at any time for any reason. This does not give them a pass to act like an asshole. I've known plenty of men who know how to pick up after themselves without having to make their spouses do it. The author went on to explain that she remarried and now she happily picks up after her new husband. Here's a fun excerpt from the article:

"I knew he had hurried to change out of work clothes into comfy clothes so he could spend time with his new family.  He had chosen what is more important.  I happily scooped the treasures into my arms and carried them to the washing machine. "

He hurried up to change clothes and left them there because he knew what was more important???? What he obviously thought was important was making you pick up after him so he could be a slob.  That's what happened here. You allowed your husband to treat you like his maid. Not his equal.

'Jane' wanted to rush to get married so she could finally be who she thought she had to be. She always resented the fact that our father left us. She tried to hide the fact that we came from a divorced family as much as possible. Now she has a kid with this douche-canoe and refuses to see all the problems he creates for her. She refuses to see them because, I think, she would be ashamed to appear like a broken family. She's trying so desperately to be 'normal' that she can't see how much she's not herself anymore. And I'm devastated for her.

I won't interfere anymore because she has been adamant that she's happy but, I won't pretend to not notice it anymore. It sucks but I feel like I have one sister and one kinda-close cousin.

The saddest part is that I have a set of cousins where there were 3 sisters. One died when she was 19 in a car crash. Drunk driver hit her. I know that my two cousins would do anything to have their sister back. Even if she was different. Even if she married a total asshat and changed. They wouldn't care.

I love my sister. I want the best for her. I wish I still had my best friend, partner in crime, and confidant. I'm thankful I still have her in my life but, I won't encourage her in destroying herself anymore.

Maybe I am the asshole atheist that doesn't 'get it' but, I can see a person losing their identity just as well as anyone else. But, today, I unfollowed her on Facebook. I sent her a message saying that I can no longer watch her berate herself for not being supportive enough to her lazy, asshole of a husband. This won't end well, I'm sure. But, several years ago she told me that she unfollowed me because she didn't want to see my atheist posts anymore. Guess it's my turn to let go.