Struggle between pride and want

I'm not sure if it's a southern, girl or religious thing that has been bothering me lately. Perhaps it's a mixture of all three?

My boyfriend and I were talking about marriage again. (I feel bad for the guy) But it wasn't just the idea of marriage but the concept of the actual ceremony.

One of my sisters once explained the marriage traditional ceremony to me in a fantastic way. She said that once you meet someone you are proud of and with whom you want to spend the rest of your life you want to show them to your entire family. You want them to show you to their entire family. If you want to bring someone into your family you need to do it correctly and respectfully. You're bringing someone to be a part of us. You want everyone to know about one another. A wedding will bring everyone together. It's a chance to truly unite two families.

I ALWAYS knew I would not be bringing someone home of whom they would approve.

I have one of those southern families that actually cares about what the neighbors will think. They would have approved of the elder's son. Sort of. (He got a little dark after high school) I assume they would have approved of one or two of the boyfriends I brought home. Maybe. Not the ones I was serious about though.

My mother recently told me that she wants everything to be perfect for me and she wants only the best. I'm sure this is what most parents want for their children. But, I wonder whose 'perfect' and 'best' they want for us?

In my family, once you do something out of the ordinary, everything changes a bit. I have an aunt that will just...cut you out of her life. I say, frequently, that I don't care for her anyway. But, before I was happy to have her out of my life I was hurt that she would speak to me like a stranger. It hurts to have her acknowledge both of my sisters, praise their accomplishments and just ignore me.  It was if I could feel her contempt for me radiating off her skin. I figured if she doesn't like me for my values than she has some very messed up values of her own.

Part of me loves the idea of being married. I don't want to be in my forties and alone. Part of me is petrified that it will end poorly. Divorce sucks. Another small part of me is worried that my family will not support my decision in a partner. Whether I end up marrying my current boyfriend or not I'm almost positive my family will disapprove of my choice in potential husband. He wouldn't be Christian, southern or even of my own race. *GASP*

A HUGE part of most everything I do is fueled by my desire to make my family proud of me. It's a constant struggle between wanting them to approve and wanting to do what makes me happy. Sometimes I wish they were the same thing.