Why do atheists celebrate Christmas?

Simple answer:  Not all of us do.

I have friends that only celebrate the solstice. These are the atheists that keep with the tradition of how the holiday celebration started- by pagans rejoicing in the movement of the sun.

I have friends that put up a Festivus pole. Some place a Flying Spaghetti Monster on top of their tree. These examples are of the commercialism that has dominated the holiday for decades.

I have known some atheists who have Jewish heritage that will still celebrate Jewish holidays. It is a part of their culture.

Many go through the religious motions of Christmas because of pressure from society or their family.

Personally, Christmas has always been about my family traditions. My family has dozens of small things we do to celebrate the season. None of it really has anything to do with a baby in a manager.

Even though my family is religious, I grew up with my mother telling me that Jesus was not born in the winter months. I'm sure this thinking was not taught to her in Sunday School. I'm not sure where she was able to learn this knowledge but, nonetheless, she always taught it to me. (And she wonders how I ended up a godless heathen)

So, for me, Christmas as always been about presents, PJs on Christmas Eve, Santa Clause, breakfast burritos, story telling, leaving carrots for Rudolph, opening 'sister presents' on Christmas Eve and my mother reading Twas the Night Before Christmas.

Why do atheists celebrate Christmas? Because it's not and never was about your particular messiah.

Gay Cakes and Birth Control

Since I live in Denver I am hearing a lot about the local business owner that refused to bake a cake for a gay couple to celebrate their union.

I'm honestly torn by this.

On one hand, I have a lot of small business owners in my circle of family and friends. I would not want someone to tell these business owners to go against their own values. I believe that small business owners should have the right to run their establishment as they see fit.

On the other hand, the guy is being a bigot. It sucks. It's also illegal. We had a civil rights fight for a reason.

I'm not even sure if I would want a bigoted baker to bake me a cake...

I can understand why someone who opens a small store would want to run their business as they see fit and have a moral dilemma with serving customers who blatantly go against their values. I would not want to make a cake for a Nazi skinhead... But are Nazi skinheads a protected minority? Would I care in the moment?

On a much larger scale we have large businesses, with thousands of employees, pushing their religious beliefs on their employees. Hobby Lobby is one of the larger corporations trying to not have birth control covered by their employee's insurance. This is disgusting.

Religious churches are pushing their religious opinions on their patients. There are stories of women being denied even the option of terminating a pregnancy due to health issues for the baby and/or mother. This is terrifying.

I'm not sure what else to write about this. My internal struggle pulls back and forth on small vs large corporations and their individual rights.

Baton Rouge Follies

For Thanksgiving this year I went to visit my father and sisters in Louisiana.

My family is pretty understanding about my atheism. I'm one of the lucky ones who has a very loving family. I don't hide my non-belief and they don't confront me about it. Even though I have some very religious family members- some are even preachers- we don't let that come in the way of our time together.

It's everyone else's family members that are the damn problem.

I took a few hours and headed out to Baton Rouge for a quick visit with a good friend from college. We went to a gig for a local band, went to a bar and enjoyed some karaoke. In the matter of 5 short hours I was confronted numerous times about the stereotypes of atheist people.

At the band gig a girl from the audience came over to speak with my friend, let's call her Rachel. During the conversation they kept just saying 'Witness' and, being unaware of the shorthand, I asked if that meant Jehovah's Witness. (Rachel was but no longer is a JW and defines herself as an agnostic.) The girl said, "Yes and Rachel can talk to you all about that!" I replied that Rachel knows very well that I'm an atheist and we've spoken about it at length. The girl lost her smile, stared at me like I'd grown a second head and, without another word, walked away never to return.

A few minutes later a man that had been sitting next to me asked me to tell him more about atheism. I was happy to do so! I love dispelling stereotypes or answering questions about atheists! I asked him what he wanted to know.

"When atheists get together do they wear big long robes like the KKK and burn things?"

Seriously, dude? But, OK, I can handle that. This is why I don't mind talking to people about atheism. Somewhere along the way misconceptions like this happen. I explained to him what groups like mine do; social events, lectures, community service, etc. He seemed vaguely interested until his friend, who was a firefighter BTW, almost caught himself on fire while playing with the bonfire... The conversation about atheism stopped there. The firefighter was singed, but otherwise fine...and more than a little drunk.

At the next stop on this little adventure I met with one of Rachel's old flames, Matt, at a karaoke bar. He told Rachel how he was going the school to be a minister. He looked like the type of guy who, when he told you he was a minister, you immediately did not want to leave him alone with children... 

Rachel's exact words, "Matt this is my friend Ruth. Ruth is the head of an atheist organization in Denver that has 1,400 members. GO!"I looked at Rachel like she had lost her damn mind.

Matt started right off the bat with, "I just think it takes a LOT more faith to be an atheist than to believe that there is a heaven."  I was SO NOT in the mood for this played out argument.

 "OK." I really did not want to engage with this guy.

"I just don't understand how someone can look around this world and not see the evidence of a creator."

By this point in the night I was tired, annoyed and just a little deaf by all the loud music so I let it go and just replied with, "OK."

"I just don't know how someone could be an atheist in this world."

LET IT GO, DUDE!!

Around this time someone started singing an Alicia Keys song or something (I actually hate karaoke and wasn't really paying attention) and the guy got distracted. Good thing for me.

When the guy at the band gig asked for information he really seemed curious about atheism- he was kidding about the robe thing, I'm sure. It was kinda funny- but he wasn't being mean spirited about it.

This Matt guy was just being a righteous asshole. You can't talk seriously to an asshole. It's a waste of time. All they have to offer to the conversation is shit.

Atheists hate children...

It's true. We hate them. And kittens. Bunnies, too.

http://wizbangblog.com/2013/11/22/atheists-force-school-to-cancel-christmas-toy-drive-because-religion/

'Atheists Force School to Cancel Christmas Toy Drive Because Religion'

I'm not sure if this became big news because the conservative media needs a good piece to prove the 'War on Christmas' or if every Xmas just needs a Grinch.

The American Humanist Association sent a letter to the schools, one in Colorado and another in South Carolina, stating that their choice in charitable organizations was unconstitutional. The AHA does not send letters to schools without an initial complaint from a parent or student of the school. They never even would have known about this going on without being told.

One school administrator stated that there was no mention of the religious nature of the charity: "School principal, Renee Mathews, is flabbergasted by the absurd letter saying that the only “religious” part of the toy drive is the word “Christmas” in its title. Otherwise there is not a single mention of religion in anything concerning the event. It’s just a toy drive for needy kids."

Just because you make no mention of the religious intent of the charity does not mean that it is not there. The charity in question is Operation Christmas Child which is under the umbrella organization of Samaritan's Purse- a VERY religious organization. One look at their website and anyone can easily guess that this is a religious charity:

http://www.samaritanspurse.org/operation-christmas-child/pack-a-shoe-box/

If the school principal, or ANY administrator for that matter, had taken a glance at this website they would have immediately seen the religious nature of the charity and should have known that this was not a good charity for a public school to participate in.

I've heard it before: 'It's freedom OF religion not freedom FROM religion!' Yes, you have the freedom to practice any stupid religion you can come up with. I, and all our children in public schools, have the freedom to not be subjected to it. This is the difference.

If Islam was the main religion in America and they were sending prayer rugs to poor children via public school children you may have a bit of an issue with it.

Operation Christmas Child sends toys and goods to children all over the world. It's a great thing. The problem is that they also send evangelical literature and promises of a good life if the children pray and convert to Christianity. (The instructions of how to pack a 'shoebox' includes praying for the recipients of the box.) Public schools in the US cannot be a part of religious organizations. There are a plethora of other charities that these schools can work with, such as Toys for Tots.

Do we hate children? Of course not. I, and many other atheists I know, have been volunteering, donating and holding our own food drives for years. We love children and this country enough that we don't want to see it become a radically religious country where people are no longer free. We do this by challenging one constitutional violation at a time- no matter how much it makes us look like the bad guys.

All we wanted was a women's group...

A member of my group, Denver Atheists, recently asked to host a secular women's group. Awesome, right? Let's do it!

We decided that for the first meeting it should be women only. There are a lot of females in the group who are new, may not be comfortable around the normally male dominated events, have sexism issues they would like to discuss with just women, etc. Deal. Starting out- women only. The direction can change to include the men if/when it was decided on by the collective group. Cool.

The invites went out.

The negative comments poured down like the rains from the biblical flood.

I've never seen something get this out of control so quickly on our little MeetUp site.  And not just men- women, at least one, are pissed off! Some men are taking this as a curious issue. 'Women feel oppressed? Even in the secular community? I had no idea!' Others are taking the more comical approach, 'This will be the most coveted group by male atheists!'

I expect this kind of reaction from the men. In the secular community we like to think of ourselves as above things like sexism, homophobia, racism, etc. But, in all honesty, we struggle with it just like any other group.

Secular groups have a demographic pretty much dominated by older, white males. I have become a leader in every secular group that I have been a part of. I have that type of personality where I want to be a leader and I'm not deterred by the men-folk. I attribute this to growing up in a very male dominated, southern community.

I have southern charm. I know that most men don't intend to dominate or suppress women. I know how to maneuver around it. I have always been able to have a conversation with a man and know how and when to contribute. That sounds bad. I'm not a weak person. I have tact. I know that just because I have something to say doesn't mean that I MUST say it.

And, as for the woman who thinks this is a horrible idea, that the only thing she can think of that women need to not talk about in front of men are our  tampons and 'menses', who feels that it makes women weak to meet in private....

You're a cunt.

Athiest Churches

I recently read a few articles about 'atheist megachurches'. I don't understand the concept.

First of all, no atheist in attendance calls these gatherings a 'church'. It's a buzzy word that the media likes to use. But, does it really matter what you call it? Like the saying goes, 'If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck...'

It's a big damn duck that is going to crap all over the atheist's pathway to acceptance.

I have no issues with atheist wanting to come together every now and then for a common goal, to have conversations or to just simply hang out with other non-believers. I myself go weekly to a 'secular community center' for coffee and community. I've written an article about the Secular Hub before. I love it. But, the difference between Coffee and Community at the Hub and these 'atheist churches' is that the C&C doesn't have an agenda, we don't sing (unless one of us is having a REALLY good time) and we sure as hell do not pass around a collection plate.

This whole idea is not a good way for atheists to show that we are not a religion. I think this goes against what we've been trying to prove all along. I don't need to go to a building where someone can get up in front of me and a few hundred other people, tell us not to do obvious bad things, lead me in a song and/or moment of silence then ask for money.

But the biggest thing I don't need?? I don't need Christians using this as an excuse to call me out that atheists NEED church and how atheism is just another religion.

I'm all about people interacting with society the best way they see fit, and if this makes some atheists happy, sure, fine, whatever. Do it, to it.

But I really just see this as a pain in my ass.

Tell Your Story

Last night I hosted an event for the Denver Atheists at the Secular Hub. It was entitled "Tell Your Story".

Whenever atheists come together we seem to always talk about how we came to reason. I figured why not have an event for that sole purpose? We had about 25 or so atheists,  we went around the room AA style (Hi. I'm John and I'm an atheist. Hi, John!) and everyone told their personal story.

We had people who grew up in Buddhist temples, LDS churches, Jewish synagogues, Church of Christ (my own brand on religious upbringing), Scientology and just plain 'cult'.  Some had been freethinkers all their lives. Many were brand new to atheism. It was fascinating.

The best part is that, even though we went 2 hours past our scheduled end time, everyone stayed to hear all the stories. Everyone wanted to hear what the others had gone through.  We all asked questions. I even found other CoC's. That's the first time that has happened for me.

To hear about other people losing their faith, struggling with the loss of friends and family, dealing with the daunting thought of nothingness after we die....it makes you feel more sure. Is that the word I want to use? I felt more sane. It's not just me who searched for answers in my religion only to find more questions. I'm not the only weirdo who couldn't buy in to the feel-good/hell-fire bogus stories. I'm not the only one who gets sad because I know that once someone dies I'll never see them again. I know that there is no heaven and they are gone to me forever. It hurts to not be able to have that small comfort of heaven.

It can be sad. But, we've never felt so free.

At the same time, it makes me appreciate what time I have, if ever so briefly, on this planet.  I marvel in the wonder that is the human race interacting with the planet, with the struggles of life and with one another. It's one of the reasons I have become so involved with the local secular communities. Being around others is comforting. It's enlightening. It's fun!

Community was one of the main topics last night. Many people were afraid of leaving their churches because they feared losing their community; their social lives. Hopefully, the more secular people come out of the closet, the larger community we will have.

OBAMACARE!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!

I work for a private vocational rehabilitation company. We create life care plans for people who have been injured as well as provide case management services for people with disabilities all over the country. So, of course, we are watching the Affordable Care Act information like a hawk.

One of our clients, for whom we provide case management services, is currently enrolled in a state-run high risk insurance pool. These pools were established for people with preexisting conditions who were either denied coverage or given outrageous premiums. Not to be confused with the temporary high risk insurance pools that the ACA created- no no. This particular plan has been around for 15 years. 

The temp high risk pools will no longer be needed after Jan 1st--when ACA goes into affect.

Our question was, are the high risk insurance pools that have been around for years going to be going away as well or are they going to be changing or...?? What?

Our client's plan is covered by Blue Cross Blue Shield. I call their customer service and I was told that their board of directors had yet to tell them what changes, if any, will be happening. Ok...

I called the ACA customer service line. (Got through within seconds) They do not have any information on state sponsored high risk pools.... They did tell me that if our client has had his insurance since March 23, 2010 he will be grandfathered into his insurance.

Great! I called my client's insurance back to find......he went on the plan in July of 2010.

DAMNIT!!

Ok, fine, cool....

We begin the process of figuring out what plans under the ACA will work for him. We call the client's mother, as he is a minor, to inform her of these findings....all hell breaks loose...

"I don't want him to be put on OBAMACARE!! Don't put him on that! The government will be able to do WHATEVER they want- come into my home, take all our stuff whenever they want!! I don't want them to come in and make all our household decisions!!"

Whoa, lady.  Ease off the Faux News a bit.

Is this really happening? Are media channels reporting such outrageous information? Are scare tactics really going to be what stops something that should be so beneficial?

Ok, is the ACA perfect? Of course not. Is it going to be easy and streamlined? LOL No. Will it even work at first? Maybe not. But is it going to give the government the right to come into our homes and take things, kill our elderly, and teach our children how to be commies???

What. The. Fuck. People.

Do I Hate God?

"Why do you hate God?"

Many atheists get this question frequently. It's funny how many believers think atheists are angry with god. I'm not sure how else to explain this; we don't believe in your god. I can't be angry at something in which I don't believe.

It's that simple.

In a very played-out way I can equate it to being angry at Santa Clause, when you are well into your adult years, for not bringing you the present you asked for.

I hate giving that analogy now. I've given it so many times as an answer but it always gets blown off by religious people. Somehow, all the stories about believing in Santa, the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny were so easily shed off once kids reached a certain age but, Jesus? Nope. That's the real story you were told as a child.

It's very frustrating for secular people. We are asked to explain how we feel about god. When we give our rational explanation we are rebuffed.

A typical conversation goes in this fashion:

Theist: "Why are you so angry at God? Can't you see that he wants you to love him?"

Atheists: "I'm not angry at God. I don't believe in God so there is no reason for me to be angry with him. I'm not angry at Santa for not bringing me presents on Christmas...."

Theist: "HA! Santa isn't real. God is real. Just read the Bible. And, you atheists don't want to believe in God but you WILL celebrate his birth!"

Atheist: "Christmas was a pagan holiday before Christianity took it over. The names and celebration was changed but the date was always a holiday. There are even some pagan traditions that we kept, like decorating a tree. It was just easier to use a set holiday.... And, I've read your bible many times."

Theist: "The pagans set the date but God was always around. They just got the message wrong. They heard the word of God and tried to steal it to fit their needs. And, you didn't read the Bible the correct way. You have to read it with an open heart. You probably just read it while you were angry with God or sinning."

Atheist: "What?"

Theist: " You just love your sin....Like the pagans....and Obama...."

Atheist: "O.K. I'm done with this conversation."

Theists: "Another win for Jesus!"

Of course, not all theists are this crazy...some are worse. I'm not kidding, MANY conversations go like this. For the most part, we're tired of it. I like to think I have a tad more patience than many of my secular friends. But, even I'm getting sick of this nonsense.

You believe what you wish, I will live as I wish and let's not fight about it. Deal?

Dating the Devil

In college I dated a Catholic man. When we started dating I told him that I was not a believer. He, at first, was fine with this. He was more curious about it than anything else. The fact that I grew up Christian and he grew up Catholic was enough of a difference. We would have conversations about our personal religious experiences and how our religions differed. It was interesting...at first.

Once his very religious family became involved in the relationship it all went to hell.

His parents were also very curious of me in the beginning. They would ask me about my morals and how my own family thought of my non-belief. More of their inquires were curious in nature than vicious.

That didn't last long.

About 6 months into the relationship they began asking me about my long-term goals. They wanted to know if I wanted to get married and start a family. They wanted to know how a non-believer COULD be married and successfully raise children. They wanted to know how I COULD live my life without a deity.

They began telling my then-boyfriend about how I would lead him down the road to hell. I was not a good match for him. I was surely after his money (all $300 of it). They began to tell him how people like me could not be trusted. They told him how if he married me they would disown him.

He believed them.

(Sidebar: He wasn't a very nice man so I'm better off anyway.)

At the time I thought that things like this were normal. There are a million stories about people who hate their in-laws. But, I think it is somehow worse when religion is mixed in.

For an atheist, at least in my experience, it is much easier to be involved with someone who is also a non-believer. And it's sad that this is a true statement. To me a relationship that is ruined by a god is like having your relationship ruined by Santa Clause.

You spend all your time with this person. They are real. The issues and happy days you share and experience are real. The struggles and pain you go through together are real. For it to be killed by a bronze-aged, middle eastern idea is a baffling thing to have to wrap your head around.

It sucks.

Oh the irony...

So, my debit card information was stolen over the weekend. It's a good thing that I have a good bank and they stopped it quickly.

But, here is the funny/ironic part, one of the charges was placed at a church. My very religious sister pointed out to me that this could have been a thrift store owned and operated by a church that the thief could have  purchased something from.

She and I got into a bit of an argument. I regret that her feelings were hurt. She is my sister and I love her very much. But, I will not accept that I am 'persecuting' her every time I say something against the church.

Why do christians love that word? "Persecution" It's like they use it as some sort of 'don't-point-out-the-obvious-problems-of-my-religion' blanket to cover all situations. But, my sister is one of those types that NEEDS religion. She may mentally break without it.

This situation made me think. Christians have no moral obligation to society to follow simple societal laws. They believe that the only thing keeping them from running amok is...an invisible being that keeps some sort of score. And, to make sure they go to a mansion in the sky after they die, they must keep the Sky Daddy happy. However, if they do, in fact, sin or break a law all they need to do is pray and truly be sorry to this invisible being in the sky and all will be forgiven.

But, forgiven by whom? They prayed to god for forgiveness but they have no obligation to seek forgiveness from those whom they have wronged. This person who stole my debit information and run up some pretty crazy charges may never be caught. And, even if they were caught, they may feel no obligation to apoligize or make anything up to me.

In contrast, neither do atheists. But, I like to think that we have the upper hand. Atheists don't have an ever-present being creepily spying on us making sure we do not rape, steal and murder everyone around us and, yet, we somehow manage not to. Go figure!

If a christian does something bad and another christian hears about it their usual reaction is to state that the first christian was a 'christian'. They were not a real christian because a real christian would not act like that.

If an atheist does something bad another atheist will say that person is kind of a dick. And this is the beauty of atheism. Stalin was a terrible person. He happened to be an atheist. Bill Gates is a pretty awesome person. He also happens to be an atheist. As atheism isn't a religion or doctrine neither Stalin nor Gates did/do anything in the name of 'atheism'.

The Spanish Inquisition did some really horrible things.  They were also religious. They did their horrible things in the name of religion. This is the difference.

Date Night

Every so often I feel I deserve to be taken out on the town. Maybe to a movie and dinner or just to buy something pretty. Whatever I think will make me happy. Call it a break from the mundane, if you wish. The part that makes people look at me strangely is that I tend to take myself out. Alone.

This weekend my boyfriend was working, most of my female friends have children and my sisters are thousands of miles away. So, I took myself to a movie and a nice quiet dinner at my favorite Greek restaurant. The movie: Don Jon. (Don't judge.)

You should go see it. It actually made me sit through the credits...just thinking. I won't give any spoilers but it was one of those movies that I'm sure my gender professor in college would have made us all write papers about.

Don Jon is about a guy who is so wrapped up in what he thinks of how life should be that he has lost connection with it. The more I think about the movie the more subtle hints I find. I don't feel that I'm reading too much into it, either. I've seen Joseph Gordon-Levitt speak in interviews about the film and the more he talks about it the more I discover.

Jon, the main character in Don Jon, is the typical 'guido'. He has a family he needs to impress, need to slick back his hair, go with friends to the bar to find the hottest girl to conquest for the night, sleeps with them, watches porn to feel any pleasure afterward and then needs to go to his Catholic church by Sunday morning for confession. By the end he is questioning the rules he has been following. Rules set by his family, his sex life, his friends, his girl, and his church.  Rules, set by the societal norms, that have been placed on himself and even those around him.

Now, you may be wondering why I'm writing a post about my 'self-date' (and a movie supposedly about porn) on a blog geared toward a southern atheist's prospective of the world around her. It's because, by the end of my date night, I was so unbelievably happy I cried.

The movie made me think that I was once (and perhaps still am to some extent) still caught up in what my life was 'supposed' to be. My life was to go to church, grow up, get married, get a job, get pregnant and grow old teaching my kids and grand kids about my religion. There was a lot of 'get' in that last sentence. What about what I should be giving to life?

So, the more I thought about my life after my night out, the more I began to realize how lucky I am. I'm not stuck in a love-less marriage (like almost happened to me), I don't have children (which I THRILLED about), I have a good job that pays my bills. I live in a place that is so breathtakingly beautiful it brings tears to my eyes. I live in the most scientifically advanced times in our history. There is no 2nd century church doctrine holding back my life. Nor is there a tight southern-girl mentality strangling the ever-changing life out of me.

There will be more social fights ahead of me but, for right now, the life and experiences that are at my fingertips are endless. The life that I have now is mine and it's all that I have and I'm so happy that I'm young and free enough to know this about myself.

False Profits

When I was in college I was the president of my Secular Student Alliance. I've ranted about my college group before... But my frustration with that group is not what I'm writing about today. While in college I would be in classes when I would get text messages from other SSA members or friends when a preacher would show up to campus. Depending on the professor I would be able to leave class to go to the Student Union to listen to them.

On my campus we had two different churches that would try to save us heathens. One was a Baptist church that would send a member who happened to have a strong voice and nerve. This man's name was 'Kevin'. Kevin was a nice enough guy. He and I exchanged e-mails and he would give me advance warning when he would come around. I can only assume that he did this hoping we would hold a counter protest to gather people and ultimately give him a larger audience. We rarely rose to that occasion.

The other was a Pentecostal church. This church would come with a number of members, children included, with very large signs declaring who all was going to be going to hell. On this list were thieves, liars, fornicators, potty-mouths (really?), Catholics, Mormons, homosexuals, lesbians (b/c they are somehow different than homos?), and, of course, atheists. We didn't need to hold a counter protest. The other students on campus would do that for us.

Now, most atheists are not too concerned about people like this. We're told we are going to hell many times. I have been called every foul name one can think of when thinking of people who don't believe in gods. It's hard to threaten an atheist with hell. It's like threatening adults with no Christmas presents from Santa. He doesn't exist so I'm not afraid of Santa Clause. Or your particular god.

But, the thing about the Pentecostal church is that, because they had such an extensive list of who was going to hell, many of the other students became offended when they would come to campus. A catholic friend of mine became so upset he called them Bible-thumpers and wanted to know where he could find a dart gun and some tranquilizers. I giggled at that a bit. I had to tell him that atheists get this type of treatment frequently.

I felt bad for the guy but he was kinda getting a taste of his own medicine. When he found out that I was an atheist he looked at me like I had grown a second head. He asked if I was afraid of hell. He asked why I was angry at god. He told me I was lost, blind and that one day, one day, I will open my eyes again. He was basically doing what the Pentecostal church was doing, just in a quieter, less aggressive way.

A public university has to give groups the ability to use the property for their functions when they properly state their purpose and give notice to the school. The school needs to approve their application to use the space. But, after that, they have the right to be there. The student who pays to go there must now deal with them.  That is where this becomes a problem.

Another friend, my old roommate, "Kelly", called me asking what the school's policy was on visitors assaulting students. Of course, I was alarmed. Turns out, Kelly was walking past the group of religious zealots wearing a sleeveless shirt. It was summer in Louisiana after all. She was called a whore by one of the church members. Kelly was in no way involved with this group, she was not standing to listen to them, she was not engaging with them at all. She was just walking from one class to another. And this gave them enough opportunity to call her a whore. Kelly was, understandably, upset by this and went to the student affairs office to file a complaint. She was met with the student affairs VP who told her that if she would just not engage with the group than things like this would not happen.

I'm not sure what I'm more upset about. The fact that this church is so brave as to judge others or the fact that my alma mater brushes off assaults like this. If they brush off verbal assault what do they do for physical assault? Do they assume that the person assaulted was in they wrong in the first place? That they somehow 'asked' for the assault? That is for another blog, I guess.

But, I guess my real question is this: why do we give religious fanatics like this the time of day? Why do we listen to groups like the WBC, this Pentecostal church, Ray Comfort (the banana man), or Pat Robinson? The more we play their movies, go to their websites, talk about them, or protest their presence are we giving them audience they crave? Are we giving them credentials? Ray Comfort raves on and on about how Richard Dawkins will not debate him. He says it's because Prof. Dawkins is scared of his truth. But I think that Dawkins has the right idea about people like him. He will not give Comfort the satisfaction of adding Dawkin's name to his resume.  

My problem now is that I understand ignoring these people who are looking for attention. But, if we ignore a problem, doesn't it become worse?

My Atheist Community

Last night I went to the Secular Hub here in Denver. I've been many times before but, for whatever reason, last night was particularly special to me. The Hub is a center for the secular community. My group, The Denver Atheists, and any and all secular groups in the Denver Metro area use the space for meetings, events and other gatherings. It's a place for us to go to meet and hang with our fellow heathens. I love it.

Last night one of the board members was speaking to a couple that was visiting for the first time. The way he explained the Hub put the place into great perspective for me. He said that when people go to church there is a person who stands in the front of the congregation and the main point of going there is to listen. The Hub is a place to participate.  There is not usually a main reason to gather other than we can.

This is what I love about the Hub and the people in it. We come together to speak our minds and everyone is encouraged to do so. I am never the smartest person in the room. I enjoy listening to the science and ideas floating around the room. It's fascinating to be in the presence of such intellectual, physical and musical talent.

Last night was no different. We had a Flying Spaghetti Monster dinner. Pasta was on the menu, of course. The Hub house band, Pale Blue, played.  (Named after Carl Sagan's Pale Blue Dot) I did not do a head count but I assume we had over 40 people. For such a small building and a small secular community this was a great turn out. There were people of all ages and backgrounds. Children as young as 5 and seniors into their 70's. Singles, old married couples, widows, gf/bf's and hopefuls.

I looked around and realized that, even when I was a church member, I had never been a part of such an open community. I was never able to walk into church and know everyone in the room. I was given work assignments based on my gender and not my ability. I was taught to keep quiet and agree with my elders.

The Hub gives me a place to go and meet friends. Real friends. Ones who celebrate in accomplishments and grieve together at loss. Ones with whom I can laugh, joke, cry and complain. Ones who genuinely care about my health. Ones who do not blame bad things on  the devil or tell me that I am being punished by a god for my sins. Friends that give advise, tell me when I have a stupid idea, or just listen.  

I'm proud to be a member of this community. I am 2,000 miles from any family and I miss them terribly. But the secular community that I have become a part of has become as close to a family that I could have asked for.

http://www.secularhub.org/

Jesus is my Navigator

When it looked like Barack Obama was close to winning the presidency in 2008 I had many southern friends and family holler that they were going to get on a boat and sail off into the sunset for better lands if he won... When he won I was hoping to be able to wave a few people off into the ocean. To my disappointment they stuck around.

This family, however, actually kept their word.

In this news story reported by NBC News the Gastonguay family from Arizona did just that. They came to the conclusion that their tax dollars were being spent to fund abortions and they felt their ability to practice their religion was being infringed upon. So they stocked up their boat, grabbed their children and elderly father and sailed off for the tiny island nation of Kiribati.

After they got lost, drifted for weeks, encountered difficult storms and ran out of food they were picked up by a Venezuelan shipping vessel, transferred to a Japanese cargo ship, dropped off at a Chilean port and, finally, brought home by the United States. They are currently back in Arizona.

I can only hope that they try this nonsense again. And this time maybe they will actually reach their goal and we can be rid of a tiny bit of crazy.

What made this funny:
They sailed off and let God be their guide. Then they got lost. I'm sure that many religious people will assume that this was God's plan. He wanted them to be taken back to the U.S. for some random reason that will reveal itself in due time. But not before almost getting them killed in the process... The family is most likely still trying to figure out how they can follow God's unwavering guidance in the future.

What made this scary:
The family included children. Very young children. And there was little to no navigational or sailing experience between all the adults. How could someone do this to their children? They had a three year old and an infant. AN INFANT. They sailed off in the ocean in the middle of storm season with only two months worth of food. They drifted for 91 days total.

 Did we learn nothing from the Swiss Family Robinson and Tom Hanks??

I will never understand why so many people complain about their taxes. Do they forget that they pay for things like emergency crews, like the coast guard and emergency funds to get citizens home...? Although, I'm sure that the family will have to pay the government back for their airfare home. Taxes give us roads, community funding, schools and so much more.

Personally, I'm annoyed that churches don't have to pay taxes. With as much money as some of the mega-churches bring in we are missing out in millions of dollars worth of funding from churches annually.

And the idea that the government is infringing on their faith? I would like to hear more of what they mean about that. As far as I can see it's the christian religion that is the one that is guiding many of the laws that people like me have been fighting against for years. It seems to me that there are many more people who are being dominated by religion than religion being stomped on by government.

But, again, before I completely ridicule these people for their reasoning I really want to hear what they have to say for themselves. I will, however completely ridicule them for actually carrying out this hair-brained idea with children. I would love to see social services take a look into the family.

http://usnews.nbcnews.com/_news/2013/08/11/19969556-religious-family-fleeing-us-by-sailboat-goes-adrift-winds-up-in-chile?lite

Unbelievable

http://news.yahoo.com/3-killed-pa-shooting-linked-feud-town-072434799.html

This is an article put out from Yahoo.com about a man in PA who shot and killed three people over a property dispute. He shot and killed THREE people and injured more at a municipal meeting in the county. He was upset that he lives in a dilapidated and trash infested piece of property and he was in arguments with the county over the clean-up. He said he was on social security and couldn't afford the clean-up.

SO HE SHOT AND KILLED THREE PEOPLE!

But this isn't what is upsetting and unbelievable to me. What's unbelievable is the comments after the story. People are defending the man. They start off by saying that they 'do not condone what he has done' but then they go off on how this is the government's fault.  They claim that if the neighbors or government would have helped him more then this would not have happened. "This man just needed a kind gesture." "He is on social security and he has worked hard for it and to treat him like this is a crime."

If this man were ANY other color than white he would be classed as a lazy bum who just wants to have a free ticket in jail on the taxpayers dime. I'm furious.

Anyone who says that this.....animal went too far or deserves jail is quickly labeled as a 'libitard'. I don't even understand this.

HE KILLED THREE PEOPLE OVER HIS GARBAGE!!

The government is blamed, immigrants are blamed, minorities are blamed, the wealthy are blamed. EVERYONE is blamed....except the man who chose to murder innocent people over permits, money and trash.

This is classic 'blaming the victim'. If you didn't want your car getting stolen you shouldn't have left it unlocked. If she didn't want to get raped she should have dressed more conservatively. If they didn't want to be shot dead they shouldn't have enforced these codes on this man.

One commenter actually stated that "I don't condone what the man did about shooting everyone but I DO UNDERSTAND his frustration."

I'm sorry. You understand murderous frustration??  I cannot understand frustration to such an extreme. Maybe it's because I'm young and haven't experienced enough in life that I do not fully understand this type of frustration. And I hope I never do.

Game Show Orphans

A game show in Pakistan, Amaan Ramazan, has begun giving away orphaned girls as prizes. Infant girls....game show prizes....

Let's let that sink in.

I'm actually conflicted by this concept. On one hand there is a child that has been taken off the street and placed into a home. However, this is a girl that will be raised in a home where the parents may not have known they were going to be given a child. Not to mention that this is a girl that will now be raised in a religiously strict environment where women are not always seen as equals. 

The producers of the show have stated that the contestant couples are screened and vetted repeatedly before being allowed to take their prize home.

I just hope the attitude toward games shows is true; that they are rigged. Perhaps some of these couples really want to have a child.

The Mirror reports:
"The babies used were presented by the Chhipa Welfare Association, a charity which rescues abandoned babies. Its organiser Muhammad Ramzan Chhipa explained: “We have lots of babies that are just abandoned, left in the garbage or other dirty places. Often we just find the bodies so our message is to tell people to bring their babies to us, don’t leave them.”
He said the show’s lucky couples had previously approached his organisation to adopt children, although he did not discuss how they were vetted."

The full article can be found here: 

 http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/weird-news/who-wants-win-baby-bizarre-2090386#ixzz2aeEs1jDF

One report stated that children who are abandoned in Pakistan will either die from starvation or the elements, be attacked or killed by wild animals. They can also grow up as street children that are easily recruited by terrorists to become suicide bombers.

So, what will it be? Killed by wild dogs, street urchin who my or may not become a violent radical or grow up in a home where women are severely repressed, beaten and/or, in some fun instances,  married at the age of 10 to a man in his 60s?? 

The middle east is no place for women and girls. This game show keeps the babies safe from nature but not from the dangers of the local culture.

Colorado Secular Conference

This past Saturday I was a part of my state's second annual secular conference. I had been on the planning committee for the last 3 months. The conference committee met once a week, sent hundreds of e-mails, argued about fliers, posters and ad space and almost lost a few friends over this conference. I personally have decided not to serve on another committee with one person in particular.... But that's besides the point.

WE DID IT!!

The location was spacious but blazing hot due to an a/c malfunction. The speakers were awesome- even though there were a few bail-outs and emergencies. The turn out was descent. Most things went off without a hitch. I'm really proud of myself for not only being a part of the planning and execution of such an event but also being one of the speakers. I may have just been on  a panel discussion about the secular community of Denver but, I'm still proud of not fainting off the stage...

Our speakers included Sean Faircloth of the Richard Dawkins Foundation, Betsy Weatherhead who is a local scientist who shared in the Nobel Peace Price for her work on climate change, Seth Andrews who created The Thinking Atheist blog, Becky Hale the president of the American Humanist Association and many local secular group leaders like myself.

Our keynote speaker, Katherine Stewart, had to pull out of the conference last minute due to a medical emergency. It cause a small moment of panic but I think we came out of the whole day beautifully.

Katherine's talk was to be about the Good News Club. GNC is a religious after-school program that  has a history of overstepping its boundaries in public schools. Let's be clear: secular people are not upset that these groups exist. Religious programs have the same, if not more, rights to be allowed as after-school programs as other groups. It's the fact that this group will intentionally blur the lines between what they are teaching the children and what the PUBLIC SCHOOL is teaching. Elementary school children are becoming confused as to what is being taught by the teacher and what is being taught by the program. It's causing them to turn on their fellow students and cause problems. This is what secular people have problems with.

And, yes, this group has MORE rights than soccer, arts, and debate after-school programs. Because they felt they needed to sue the school board and create a law for themselves any school can determine that a debate team is too much while they cannot block a religious group. So I don't want to hear about how religion is 'under attack' in this country.... It's clearly the dominant position of all aspects of America. It sucks.  

Anyway..... I'm thrilled to have been part of this conference and I hope to be a speaker at more conferences one day. =)

How Rude

This isn't necessarily about being an atheist but more about being a southerner while dealing with a fast paced northern society. 

My mother, father and grandparents taught me the importance of being polite and courteous.  I say 'I'm sorry' like a Canadian pro. My elders are always to be respected, please and thank you are used both automatically and sincerely and table manners are a strict business.

My job consists of me having to call all over the country, on behalf of our clients, to gather pricing information on equipment, health care services, surgery costs and any other random thing a person may need after an injury. Many of our clients happen to live in Michigan.

There is no state in our country that I loathe less than Michigan.  While having an amazing no-fault health care policy and having a good structure for supporting their elderly, disabled and youth, I have never worked with such an unorganized, unprofessional and downright rude group of people.

 If you ever need to request your health records from the University of Michigan Hospital- good luck. They are currently 2-4 weeks behind. Children's Hospital? Try 2-3 months. While I write this I am currently on hold with UofM billing department. I have been on hold for 20 minutes. Once I get someone on the phone I plan on being either told this is the wrong department, having someone attempt to transfer me to the 'correct' department and eventually have their line hang up on me.

However, this can be true for any call center style office. I, myself, have worked for I.T. call centers where the hold time would reach 45 minutes. The difference? By the time I answered the phone I was full of apologies, helpful information and either a solution or I would stay on the phone until I found someone to answer the question.

Phone skills are such a useful thing to utilize to not leave a bad taste in the mouths of your consumers.

I find myself constantly saying 'I'm sorry', watching my surroundings to make sure I'm not intruding on anyone and trying my best to be personable and respectful of anyone/everyone around me. It actually annoys me to see other people be rude- even when I am in no way involved.

When I walk/drive around Denver I find it amazing how often I get cut off,  flicked off, pushed and almost run over. I promise I'm not an old lady. I've mastered the art of dodging through  high school hallways and malls in the middle of Christmas rush-I've worked in many malls. I've driven in rush hour traffic, major cities, 8-lane highways and even in other countries that drive on the left side of the road. I know how to move. Apparently, I don't have the attitude. 

Like the other night at the Lutheran Church, I get talked over, interrupted and ignored daily. On the phone, in person....it happens everywhere.

The more I think about this I wonder if it a southern vs northern thing or...because I'm a woman. And not an exceedingly pretty one, at that. 

A few years ago, while working for a big blue box of an electronic store, I did a small social experiment. I worked in their computer sales department. I would sell computers, printers, tablets, mp3s, cameras and car stereos. I started to wonder if my sales would change depending on my looks. I started doing my make-up heavier, put more time into my hair by making it fuller,  did not wear my glasses and wore more jewelry. I did this for a week. The following week I put my hair in a ponytail, wore my thicker/darker glasses, toned down the make-up and wore a belt that had studs.

I got more sales when I had my glasses on but had longer conversations with the preppier look. I also got hit on a lot.

I had the same sales pitch. I knew the same knowledge. I spoke the same way. But, because I looked like I knew things, the 'geeky' me made more sales. I tried to give this information to my boss but he didn't really care. As long as I was making my goals he was happy.

Bringing this all back to being a southern atheist: it always amuses me when someone meets me and talks to me for a while. They take in my southern accent, my preppy clothes and my warm nature and they become so shocked when I state that I do not believe in a higher power. Like the woman the other night: "But, you're so nice!"

There are rude an sweet people all over the place. There are angry and happy people in religion and out. Stereotypes is one of the major themes in my life. I want to prove to people that you can't always judge an atheist by their accent.  

Forgot how to be a woman in church....

Last Friday I was invited to a church to listen to a presentation on creationism. I had just recently attended a lecture on evolution so I thought it would be neat to listen to the opposing view- if for nothing more than pure curiosity.

The lecture was held at a Lutheran church- one part of the christian religion where I had not previously visited- and lead by a nuclear chemists by the name of Dr. Wile. Dr. Wile was a funny and captivating lecturer, however, nothing that he said seemed like enough evidence to turn away from evolution.

He showed some research that showed how radioactive half-lives correspond with the sun.  Interesting. He stated that this bit of scientific research caused him to come to the conclusion that science still hasn't fully come to an understanding of radioactive decay. Fair enough. But because of this he rejected evolution and turned to creationism 'kicking and screaming'...

If science doesn't understand fully how this decay works why would you immediately turn to something that states 'because God, that's why'? It seems like a cop out.

After the discussion I ended up in a conversation with another atheist and an aspiring apologetic. I've met this apologetic on numerous occasions and during this conversation with him I came to two  conclusions: 1) I do not care for this man and 2) I totally forgot how to be a good girl in church.

I have met this man at least 3 times before this conversation and he still refuses to learn my name, pretend that he has ever seen me or have a direct discussion with me. When speaking with me and the other atheist (male) he would direct all of his comments towards him and only acknowledge me in a condescending manner. The few times I tried to speak I was cut off, talked over or completely ignored.

My bad...women are to remain silent in church. Why would this rule be any different for an atheist woman?

The funny part of this night was when a woman who had been sitting next to me learned that I was an atheist. "But you're so nice!" I love that reaction. It's why I go into churches still. I want to try to change the stereotype people have of atheists. Because I happen to have a southern accent, am white and tend to dress kinda 'preppy' people don't seem to think of me as atheist. Once they do learn of my heathenism, I can see them trying to make my appearance fit their idea of what I should look like. Their look of befuddlement makes me giggle inside.

Struggle between pride and want

I'm not sure if it's a southern, girl or religious thing that has been bothering me lately. Perhaps it's a mixture of all three?

My boyfriend and I were talking about marriage again. (I feel bad for the guy) But it wasn't just the idea of marriage but the concept of the actual ceremony.

One of my sisters once explained the marriage traditional ceremony to me in a fantastic way. She said that once you meet someone you are proud of and with whom you want to spend the rest of your life you want to show them to your entire family. You want them to show you to their entire family. If you want to bring someone into your family you need to do it correctly and respectfully. You're bringing someone to be a part of us. You want everyone to know about one another. A wedding will bring everyone together. It's a chance to truly unite two families.

I ALWAYS knew I would not be bringing someone home of whom they would approve.

I have one of those southern families that actually cares about what the neighbors will think. They would have approved of the elder's son. Sort of. (He got a little dark after high school) I assume they would have approved of one or two of the boyfriends I brought home. Maybe. Not the ones I was serious about though.

My mother recently told me that she wants everything to be perfect for me and she wants only the best. I'm sure this is what most parents want for their children. But, I wonder whose 'perfect' and 'best' they want for us?

In my family, once you do something out of the ordinary, everything changes a bit. I have an aunt that will just...cut you out of her life. I say, frequently, that I don't care for her anyway. But, before I was happy to have her out of my life I was hurt that she would speak to me like a stranger. It hurts to have her acknowledge both of my sisters, praise their accomplishments and just ignore me.  It was if I could feel her contempt for me radiating off her skin. I figured if she doesn't like me for my values than she has some very messed up values of her own.

Part of me loves the idea of being married. I don't want to be in my forties and alone. Part of me is petrified that it will end poorly. Divorce sucks. Another small part of me is worried that my family will not support my decision in a partner. Whether I end up marrying my current boyfriend or not I'm almost positive my family will disapprove of my choice in potential husband. He wouldn't be Christian, southern or even of my own race. *GASP*

A HUGE part of most everything I do is fueled by my desire to make my family proud of me. It's a constant struggle between wanting them to approve and wanting to do what makes me happy. Sometimes I wish they were the same thing.

Man of Morals

If you have recently seen the new Superman: Man of Steel movie than you may have been able to catch the not-so-subtle Christian overtones laced in between the partial destruction of Metropolis. 

The movie starts out as we all know the Superman saga to play out: Superman's planet is destroyed, he ends up on Earth, he becomes a caped hero in red undies. (Except in this rendition he has finally learned the the underoos go inside the pants. Like a big boy!)  During one of his fight scenes with Zod's minions he is destroying a small Kansas town with Faora.  She makes a pretty bold statement about evolution and morals. I've included a link to the YouTube clip of the scene of which I am referring:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HnbPbkFUCPs


This was the part in the movie where I had finally determined that Iron Man is my favorite.

I always found it slightly amusing, if not incredibly terrifying, that religious people always have a hard time grasping the concept that morals do not automatically come from religion. It's hard enough having to explain this to people on the street but to have this kind of stupidity in a major blockbuster film is disheartening.

Portraying the bad guys as evolutionary, moral-less, killing machines bent on world destruction is not good for the atheist image. I mean...we aren't actively trying to take over the world just now...maybe later once were done showing off our underwear, destroying a city, and being an illegal immigrant...oh wait....

I was once asked where I got my morals. I answered, "From my parents, society and my own sense of right and wrong." As Penn Jillett once said, "I've killed and raped all I have ever wanted. And the number of rapes and murders I have committed is ZERO." But once I said 'parents' I was quickly asked where my parents got their morals from. Their parents was my guess. I was then asked where my grandparents got their morals. I was being led to say that my family originally got their morals from their church.

Ok, yes, sure church can teach good morals. There are some passages and stories in the bible that can teach good lessons. There are also teachings in the Quran and Bhagavad Vida that show the same lessons. None of which are new to any of these religions. Humans have been able to figure out how to live among one another without killing, harming, or stealing from one another for thousands of years. Some less than others but the idea of not killing one another did not magically happen once Christianity was thought up.

The newest remake of the Superman comic left me annoyed and upset but, then again, it was a movie. I can't be mad at a fictional story- just like atheist aren't mad at gods. It's like being mad at Santa. You shouldn't waste that kind of energy on something that doesn't exist.

What drives us crazy is the people who will see this movie and see those who speak of evolution as evil people who are looking to destroy humanity. I'm just a blond preppy chick from Louisiana. I need humanity...for diversity, love, kicks....and laughs. People are too funny to destroy.

Except for Fred Phelps. I hate that dick.

SELUSHAN

So, the name of the college group, of which I was president, is SELUSHAN. This is an acronym for Southeastern Louisiana University Secular Humanists and Agnostic Network. (Catchy, right?) Pronounced: 'solution'.  We were affiliated with the Secular Student Alliance. I did not start the group but I did take it over from the founder. I was so proud of that group. It's hard to be a secular person in the south and having a place to go, having people to talk to, being able to express your concerns about separation of church and state....it was a bit of sanctuary for me.

The founder did an amazing job finding faculty support and interested members. When she needed more time for her demanding school schedule I was all too happy to run meetings, set up tabling events and even protest the WBC a time or two. When she graduated I was asked to lead the group. I feel like I did a descent enough job of it. We had weekly meetings, we held lectures and panel discussions and we even got called on to counter our regular 'campus preacher'. I feel like, when I left, our group was growing and would continue.

I was wrong.

I'm so disappointed in my university right now. When I graduated in 2011 I handed over control of the group to a Junior biology major. He seemed really active and interested in the group. I have no idea what happened but, since I left, the group is no longer affiliated with the SSA, no one seems to know where the banner, brochures, fliers or funds for the group have gone and it's now being called a 'dead group'.

Since moving to Denver I have found it so much easier to be an 'open' and 'out' atheist. I started this blog to document the amazing transformation I am seeing in the secular community. My southern atheist friends have no idea how hard it really is to be a southern atheist. Sure, there are countries in the world where it's a deadly thing to proclaim; being an atheist. But, it's not all peaches and cream in the US. People here may not lose their physical life but they will lose their social one. I have known many people who have lost their jobs, relationships, homes, friends and family once they came out against religion. I, myself, have lost relationships and have been denied employment for my lack of belief.

Which is why I am now so livid at the lack of leadership at my university. Maybe I'm more upset about it because I continually took a leadership role at school. But last night as I watched one after another student say that they just are 'too lazy' to take a stand and run the group. I'm disgusted.

"Too lazy."

 I'm not sure if it's the generation, of which I'm a part, or if it's the southern in them coming out. The southern part in them that tells them to stick with conformity, 'don't rock the boat' and 'do as you're told'... Whatever it is, I'm sad for the south today. I'm sad that they don't want to fight for the equality of secular people. I'm sad they feel it's acceptable to be told that they have little to no moral standards, they are broken and angry and be generally distrusted. I'm sad that they feel that the status quo will suite them just fine.

I just hope that they are never put in a position where their rights are denied. Oh wait...

Orange Blossoms

Last night my boyfriend and I had a long (and perhaps boring for him) conversation about social norms within marriage. He has lived in Colorado since he was six and has a bit of a different perspective of marriage than I. Growing up a southern woman means that it has been ground into my head from an early age that I am meant to marry, have kids, keep house and love God.

I want none of this.

None.

First, I lack the internal, and supposedly 'natural', urge to bare children.  I have no intention of having children. In fact, I am currently looking into permanent birth control. (Which is a story for another day)  Second, my apartment is usually in a disaster state. Sure, dishes get washed (in the dishwasher), laundry eventually gets laundered and I make sure the bathroom is acceptable for guests but, if I could pay someone to come in weekly and mop the floors and dust the furniture, I would. In a heartbeat. I can't imagine having to be a 'housewife'. And don't get me wrong; I know many great women who have run a household, raised children, and somehow manage to make it all seem easy while completely loving their life. I'm in awe. Really. But, just as they chose their life of homemaking I wish to choose my life of...not.

And, do I really need to explain the 'god' part of my prescribed childhood? I'm an atheist. Any deities have no place in my life.

Marriage is a tricky thing. Part of me wants to have a partner. Someone with whom I can share problems, experiences, sorrows and joys. Doesn't it sound nice to be able to have someone at your side when things go wrong?  That was how I was taught to view marriage. Of course being a good southern woman meant that I would also be the 'help-mate' of my husband. I would be the woman at his side who would give advise but not really make decisions. I may decide which room to clean or what to make for dinner, sure. Women in a southern household, especially a religious one, are not meant to be the head of the household. We are raised not to be the head.

I always knew that I could end up being 'put in my place' by a husband. When the elders in my church noticed that I wasn't going along, as the other children were, with the Sunday School lessons I was placed on 'the list'. I had never heard of it before. I was only made aware of 'the list' after one of the elders' son informed me that I had been on it for sometime. You see, my parents had divorced when I was four. My mother moved herself, my two sisters and I to Kentucky to live with my grandparents while she went back to  college to earn her bachelor's degree. (I'm still so proud of her for that) My sisters and I were immediately viewed as 'broken children from a broken home'. It sounds harsh, but, many people who are a bit older and from a divorced family understand the social stigma of the situation. (Especially in church)

Once we moved to Florida I felt more of an outcast in the church. People in our new 'church family' knew us less and seemed to judge us more.  The elders were all old, stuffy, white, Republicans who sat in the front pew on Sunday mornings and seemed to almost watch the preacher as if waiting for him to say exactly what they had told him to say. They were always meeting in secret rooms, talking with only themselves, and looking at those who stepped out of line with contempt. What was weirder were the deacons. This was a group of slightly younger, stuffy, white , Republicans who sat directly behind the elders during sermons. They were 'elders in training'. I'm still not sure to this day what the main difference of these two groups of men were and what their overall function to the church consisted of. All I knew was that I made sure to not go near these men. Yet...

I may be over exaggerating this next part but I don't feel I'm off by much. There was the elders' son, let's call him Jack, who took an immediate liking to me. I pretended for the longest time that I had no clue of his affections. But, to my exasperation, he followed me around and  made it clear to everyone our age that I was going to be his. No one talked to me without his knowing of it. I never did anything in that church without his knowledge. No other guy in my church ever attempted to ask me out or flirt with me. Until one day that our small church combined with another small church. 'Adam' was a year older than me and seemed interested in asking me out in the 7th grade. He walked with me around the church playground and flirted with me. He tried to hold my hand... All hell broke loose. Jack came out of nowhere with a spiky branch of a palmetto bush. It took me 30 minutes to talk him into putting the damn thing down. I look back on it now and think of how crazy it was but, back then, it was Jack being Jack. After that, no one even came close to me. I could not have dated within our church even if I had wanted to. At least, I couldn't have dated anyone else but Jack.

The weirdest thing was that my church thought that me being with Jack was the best thing for me. He would be my salvation. He, the elder's son, would set me straight. If I was ever sitting alone in a pew people would ask me, "Where is Jack?" His own mother would ask me first about what Jack was doing, or where he was before she would call his cell. If I went anywhere it was to be assumed that Jack would be with me. We once took a church trip to Tennessee and it was understood that Jack was my chaperon and he stayed with me the entire time. I didn't really fight it. At first. Once I got to high school and began dating boys from my public school the church noticed. They would ask me why I wasn't dating a 'nice guy' like Jack. They would tell me how good he was for me. I was once told that God would want me to be with Jack. He was 'God's choice for me'. I was livid.

Jack, oddly enough, became a good friend of mine when I started college. He eventually moved on from me and dated other girls. We became better friends the more we BOTH moved away from religion. (LOL) We actually did date for about a month. It wasn't meant to be. We both knew it. I've since lost contact with him. I have a feeling that if we somehow reconnected we would act like old friends; as if nothing bad had happened before and no time had passed.

But, what did this experience teach me about what I should expect or look for in marriage? My current job, working for a vocational rehabilitation counselor as a research assistant, has taught me that 'marriage' is a fragile and, sometimes, disregarded thing.

We had a case recently where a young woman who, after giving birth, went into septic shock and renal failure. She woke up a few weeks later a quadruple amputee. I can't even imagine... Two years later, she is getting a divorce from her husband who 'can't handle the stress of her disability anymore'. Now, I've never been a part of something so tragic nor do I know what they are going through as a couple or individually but, this right here? This. This is what scares the living shit out of me as a woman. As a southern woman who was taught to be the silent partner in a marriage this petrifies me beyond belief.

If I were to marry am I supposed to be the woman that quits work and keeps house? Surely not. I've studied the changing social norm of today's generation and economic needs. There is no way that I could stay home unless I marry a very wealthy man. But, does that now mean that, as the woman, I must now work full time then come home to keep house and potentially raise the children as well? It happens all the damn time. Many southern women get married but still have to work full time and keep up with the usual expectations of a 'good southern wife'. It's not just a southern thing. Many cultures around the world keep this ideology. But, I can only write about the culture with which I have experience.

Another thing I've been having a problem with is the fact that so many people stand up and swear to their personal deity that they will stay faithful and true to their new spouse. They swear to keep by them in sickness and in health, richer or poorer yada, yada, yada... But, when things actually do get sicker or poorer one of them bolts. If half of all marriages in the U.S. don't make it and nearly 85% of Americans are religious than that must mean that there are a lot of people out there who are swearing, to the one thing that should matter most to them, that they will do this specific task of marriage for the rest of their life...and they are breaking their word.

If Christians can't keep a promise of marriage to their own maker, the ruler of their universe, the master of their lives and afterlife...then what hope do I have, as an atheist, of finding someone who will make that promise to me?

Thinking for yourself can get you into trouble...

Just before I turned 9 my mother graduated from college and got offered a job in Florida. We moved to a small town outside of Tampa and started attending a new Church of Christ. Here we found people who knew our grandparents in Kentucky. (That was no surprise. Small churches in small towns have an amazing ability to keep in contact.) When they learned that my sisters and I were children of divorce we were immediately treated slightly different. We were to be pitied. We needed more guidance. We needed more help to grow in God because we were from a broken family and thus were partially broken ourselves. 

I was quickly deemed ‘weird’ by the other kids and mostly just stuck around my older sister. I asked the questions during Sunday school that the teachers didn't like to answer. I answered their questions logically but somehow they were the wrong answers. My Sunday school class was once asked that if we had lived 2,000 years ago, when Jesus was alive, would we had followed him. The entire class answered ‘Yes’ one-by-one. 

While they were automatically answering I was thinking. By the time the question was posed onto me I answered ‘No.’ You would have thought I had dropped a bomb in the class. No one moved. The teacher looked stunned. My sister had her head in her hand. (She was used to my antics) I knew what I was supposed to say. I knew that, to move on with the lesson I was to say ‘yes’, get a gold star, be right, and live forever blissfully ignorant and happy with the answers I had been fed my entire life. My reason for the ‘no’ was that if today a man came around and said that our religion was wrong and we needed to follow him and his way to receive everlasting salvation I would not follow him. That’s exactly what Jesus was doing to people 2,000 years ago. He was saying the religion that 90% of the current population was following was wrong, that he was a incarnation of God, and that he was the true path to salvation. It must have been a hard pill to swallow and if the people of 2,000 years ago had any of the trust in their religion as we did then I would expect them to say ‘no’ as well. So, that was my answer for this Sunday school teacher. It was the most logical answer I could come up with. It would be what I would expect any of my classmates to say had they not been so brainwashed to blindly answer the way they were taught to.

I, however, was immediately placed on the Elder watch list.

Hey Y'all!

I was born in Metairie, LA, grew up in Western Kentucky and Central Florida and finally returned to Hammond, LA to attend university. I call anywhere in the Gulf region home. Being female, I was expected to think, behave and believe a certain way. My mother taught me to speak softly, be clean, love the Lord and listen to the men and elders. My grandparents reinforced this idea of southern women as help-keeps of the men.

When I resisted this tradition I was met with condescension, confusion, and downright insulting behavior.

I do want to express that I had and still have a loving and caring relationship with my family. I came out as a nonbeliever to them years ago and have met with none of the horror stories that we have recently heard from other atheists. My family loves me- they wonder where they went wrong- but love me nonetheless.

While in my senior year of college I decided that I needed to get out of the south. I took a trip to Denver to visit friends and fell in love with the people, lifestyle and, of course, the mountains. I decided that I would move there after I graduate. A year ago I moved from southern Louisiana to the wilds of Denver Colorado. I found a new freedom of living in a progressive area as a nonbeliever. Being able to have open conversations about secularism without getting the 'evil stare' from random strangers, not being told the 'Jesus still loves' me for not being at church on a Sunday or Wednesday and being free to live outside my learned social constraints was amazing.

I recently went to a conference in Washington D.C. entitled 'Women in Secularism'. When I had first heard about the conference I knew I had to go and be a part of something so moving and progressive. I wanted to hear the stories of other women breaking free of their oppressive religions only to move into another community that was mostly dominated by men. The interesting thing I found at this conference wasn't how to be more of a leader in the atheist community but how little we see southern women being leaders in the atheist community. Of the entire speaker list there was one woman from Florida- who had been a pastor in her church for 20+ years before helping found The Clergy Project. She was a natural leader and I was fascinated listening to her but I wished that there had been more southern leadership represented at the conference. It made me think about what southern women are taught, not only just in the south as a community, but in the southern churches. We were taught to be listeners and followers- not leaders.

What I want to do with this blog is to contemplate the southern belle teachings of my youth in comparison to living as a now atheist in a 'northern' place (I'm aware that Coloradans do not consider themselves northern but...they kinda are...). I hope to give a southern woman's perspective of atheist life in the 21st century.

Enjoy!